Who hasn’t been touched by the passing of Robin Williams in some way?
You all know I have a strange way of weaving things together. Today I was inspired by a post on Facebook by Mama Bear’s Voice, another advocate of speaking out against abuse. Having planned another post, that one went on the back burner as soon as I saw the picture below.
As we become more conscious and aware things show up synchronistically as triggers to guide us. Something that was said to me, along with this photo and the very, very sad passing of Robin Williams, were clearly synchronistic events. Abuse survivors, people with PTSD, and depression know all too well how fragile we are and how we can be crippled by suicidal thoughts. Most of the time we never tell anyone because we are consumed with planning it.
Robin obviously had a much greater purpose beyond making us laugh even though that is probably the best part of what he has given us. He has shown us so much more.
Recently, I was told, by someone that I love very much, and who is tied to one of my perpetrators by choice, that I was “taken advantage of.” Wow, what a way to minimize, dismiss, and justify what happened to me. I recognize their need to say things like this as a way to reconcile and feel better about their own choices. My ego can step aside, honoring that we all have choices to make regardless of the impact on me, because it’s not all about me. A chapter is dedicated to this in my book. No matter how I feel initially, I check with my heart, head, gut and ego to see what the integrated voices have to say to me when I feel dismissed so I can live with myself.
This person is also someone who, as a young teen, I thought I was protecting with my silence. My PTSD is under control to a great degree because in developing conscious awareness, I have a compassionate knowing that this person is having difficulty accepting both of their roles in my story of sexual abuse, and initiating my drug abuse. They were adults, feeding me drugs and alcohol at 13 including strong narcotics. I bet if I asked, they would say they don’t remember, but I remember every detail of the first time I snorted with a dollar bill.
Oh my; I am rocking and laughing. Is that you, Robin? The universe or someone is giving me a message as I write. Rather than beleaguer all the drama, Pandora is playing this song. Here’s it is by Skillet – “It’s Not Me It’s You” Click the link: Skillet – It’s Not Me It’s You. See what consciousness can do for all of us.
Wondering how different things could have turned out doesn’t have much value, and keeps us stuck in the past. Focusing on what we can learn from our experiences, and how we can use them advantageously to create a better life for ourselves and others does. That does not excuse the bad behavior of others. It also doesn’t stop me from wondering how they would feel about me, had I turned into the same type of abuser against their children, which often happens in cases of abuse. Instead of being fragile, I’ve gathered strength and courage to break free from silence and dysfunction. Freedom. Peace. Expression. I’ve said yes to all three. That doesn’t dismiss someone else who is in deeper pain, and doesn’t impose a “should” upon them.
The idea of breaking free, has particular significance to me because my first victimizer would hold my wrists with one hand, forcibly pinning me down while he fondled me. Sarcasm; but, you know, “they just took advantage of me.” My own mother has said this. She can’t comprehend the full impact that CSA has on anyone. I forgive her for not having mama bear instincts. It took a long time for me to “get over,” the lack of compassion. For years, those kinds of words made me fragile. I was fortunate to make consciousness, my kintsugi (Japanese are of repair).
So if anyone tells you to “get over it,” please keep in mind there is a myriad of information coming to light that it’s not that simple. Reading my book will help. I know that is not from my ego. I know because it’s what I came to this planet to do. Consciousness helps us remember what we came her for. I lived it, and I have practical advice to offer. It’s available right here on my website, and you can ask me questions.
Accepting what happened, and forgiving what happened, are not the same as excusing what happened, and certainly does not make the situation acceptable. The person I referred to earlier was upset because I referred to my perpetrator/victimizer as a pedophile. Okay, she’s right, he might not be the classic definition of a pedophile, but he did commit an act of pedophilia. That is a fact.
And I admit, I had a little ego demon wanting to make a stronger point when I said it, but hey, I’m human. Even Osho wanted to disturb people. Right? I’ve endured 40 years of struggling to stay out of hell. I’m winning, and consciousness has made it easier than ever, but that doesn’t dismiss that it’s been a challenge.
Abuse survivors, particularly those who develop PTSD, know that it is much deeper than simply being taken advantage of. The minimizing of what happened to us, the lack of support, lack of understanding the true nature of the conditions the abuse caused, triggers the PTSD that make us feel fragile. Being taken advantage of is when a contractor overcharges you. It’s still abuse, and it’s still wrong, but in NO way compares to the physical and emotional trauma inflicted by sexual abuse.
In my book I say; “Achieving forgiveness for abuse of any kind is not simple. You can’t just wish it away or send it away with love. I would never discount someone’s feelings whose abuse, pain, anger and suffering run much deeper.” I for one certainly will not pretend to know the depth of what Robin Williams was experiencing, that caused him to end his struggle. CSA victims know all too well about suicidal thoughts, and some of us have even attempted it. It took me a long time to admit that.
How many of us have been told to forgive, forget about it, put it behind us. Right? We can forgive, but silence, and forgetting is precisely what has allowed abuse to continue.
Blood is thicker than water; that’s not always true. Accepting and forgiving doesn’t mean there isn’t an element of still being pissed-off or hurt. With conscious awareness we can transmute being pissed-off, and find forgiveness. That doesn’t mean we should give up the fight for what’s right.
Luckily, fortunately and gratefully, conscious awareness is available to all of us. For me, it is the primary key to my healing, keeps me stable, and has erased much of the fragility so that I can speak truth regardless of whether or not others can accept the truth. Handling the truth is up to them. Maybe my perpetrator has atoned to God, and to his wife, but that has not offered atonement or justice for me. In speaking out, I am creating my own form of justice, and hopefully justice for others.
Thank you, Mama Bear for the support and inspiration. I recommend not only liking my Facebook Fan page, but go to Mama Bear’s Voice too.
More songs for today. Click the links to go to them. I’m a rocker at heart but this version of Fragile – by Sting brought me to tears of joy, love, and appreciation for such brilliant artistic expression; Fragile – by Sting
Robin Williams – as the genie from Aladdin Friend Like Me