Suicide Prevention Month – Become Consciously Aware – Another Reason Why Self-Help is Never Stupid

Suicide Prevention Month – Become Consciously Aware – Another Reason Why Self-Help is Never Stupid

By no means, am I claiming to be an expert on suicide or suicide prevention. I can only share from my own personal, direct experience, and maybe that experience will help someone else.

There is always so much that could be said in regards to suicide because, as with all issues, every person has their own reasons, own experiences, own perspective, and own way of handling life’s challenges even among the glaring similarities. That’s why if you are considering suicide, or know someone who is at risk, get help. If it’s an emergency call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.

While PTSD is not the only cause of suicide, twenty-two veterans die each day at their own hand. Not only is it already a leading cause, but add into that PTSD caused by other trauma, and you start to notice an even more distinct pattern.

Statistics show approximately 40,000 suicide deaths in the U.S.A. annually, and somewhere between 500,000 and 1,000,000 attempts. states: For young people 15-24 years old, suicide is the second leading cause of death.

Prevention, likes all paths to a solution, always comes back to education and awareness, and conscious awareness is the best kind there is.

There is a difference between simple awareness and conscious awareness and it would benefit ALL of US on a much greater scale, if we would get to know that. The thing about conscious awareness is that for some it’s a difficult choice. For me that is why the metaphor of choosing the red pill or the blue, from the movie The Matrix is always so profound.

Many of you already know that I believe (even though I place caution around unconscious belief) the biggest cause of problems in this world comes from some form of abuse, and denial of abuse, as one type of abuse often leads to another, sometimes unnoticed. Face it, doesn’t awareness begin with observation and noticing? This is a big theme in my book, Why Bother? Because Self-Help is Never Stupid.

Survivors, and those in recovery, know the pain and torment that silence on the part of all parties involved has caused. On the other hand silence can be a survival tactic. While breaking silence around so many issues is of critical importance to create awareness, there may be occasion to stop judging silence, particularly your own.

September being suicide prevention month leaves me wondering, if I had spoken up sooner about my sexual abuse, and been dismissed as a kid, the way that I was dismissed as a 30 something adult, and still dismissed at 50 something, would I be alive today?

Sexual abuse started for me, at age 12, and while I put a stop to it around 17, there were additional advances made until I was 20. Having personally experienced multiple types of abuse, repeated sexual abuse has been the most traumatic, the most negatively impactful, and the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to experience in my life. I say that acknowledging that others have had it worse. NO ONE should ever have to go through this.

Sexual abuse is considered immoral, unethical, and criminal for good reason. For the survivor, it’s just not something you ever forget, no matter how far behind you, you put it, or how conscious you become.

Conscious awareness is vitally important to healing, even though the process of awakening can be difficult, it’s not nearly as traumatic as the trauma you experienced in the first place. Practicing and playing in the arena of conscious awareness makes you stronger.

Unconscious people will in one breath claim to be aware of the impacts of trauma, then in the next say something that causes a trigger for those who will never have the trauma erased from their lives. It’s taken me a long time to admit that I attempted suicide, considered it multiple times, and can pinpoint several times when I unconsciously almost killed myself with self-destructive behavior. The first time, I was 14 not knowing that the handful of prescription sleeping pills weren’t strong enough to end my life.

Granted, I ALONE am responsible for the choices I made, no matter what age I was. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t influenced by being a somewhat isolated kid, who was seeking approval, acceptance and love from her much older siblings, and had compounded feelings because of having emotionally unavailable parents. That does not blame them for my poor choices. These are simply the factors that influenced my poor choices when one adult sister handed me a pipe at 12, and another allowed me to the opportunity to use that rolled up bill at 13.

While this might not seem unusual, and while many overcome this with no scars, the fact is that the drug abuse was a set up, and part of the grooming process that lead to years of sexual abuse. Abuse doesn’t stop after the events stop because now you have been programmed to accept abuse.

While some excuse the choice the men who abused me made, because they had abusive backgrounds, I can guarantee you that if I influenced or abused their children, in a similar manner, it would have been a completely different situation. One day a family member from the next generation heard comments being made about expectations placed upon me, and laughed saying “Aunt Martha is held to a different set of standards, I’ve never had to do that.” I was grateful that some finally noticed.

The story, like the denial some live in, runs much deeper than the few facts presented here, and isn’t the point. The point is that now I can see more clearly all the shame, blame, guilt, responsibility, lack of responsibility, desires, conflicting desires, big egos, wounded egos, immorality, conviction, belief, set up, grooming, and many more factors involved that created the unhealthy, unsafe, environment that caused me consider suicide. Not that long ago, my mother said, “but we gave you everything,” as if financial support is the one and only thing that is important. That in itself clued me into the financial abuse because of the constant take-away threats.

Some would say. why do you still try to engage in conversation with them? At this point, I have disengaged, but in pushing the issue as an adult, I gained clarity and closure important to healing. It allowed me to grieve not having a family that was kind, nurturing, loving, supportive, any of those things that we All desire and deserve, even if they see themselves as such. Isn’t it obvious that this world is in desperate need of these elements, and desperate need to step out of denial?

To be perfectly honest, I have a love/hate relationship with humanity and the lack of humanity. It may be a flaw that my heart is not 100% love, but at least I am honest.

In consciously observing the situation, I can see that if I hadn’t been silent about the sexual abuse back then, clearly I would not be on this planet today. I would have allowed the lack of compassion to wound me more deeply. If I have anything to be grateful for, it’s the strength I have gained from conscious awareness, and the ability to walk with integrity.

For some, who have not been able to reach this place of noticing, observation, awareness, conscious understanding, compassion, and knowing, the pain has been too great to bear. It’s sad, because with these elements, I would dare to say that some suicides would have been prevented. It becomes easy to see the prevalence of the attitude society takes against mental and emotional problems. Their ignorance is not bliss.

Like me, it may benefit you to recognize that when every single member of your immediate family, appears to defend a sex offender, it’s really not all about you, or the offender. Much of it is about them, and their inability to recognize their own invisible disability. Remember if we were controlled, manipulated, and abused, there is a good chance they were too. Abuse is a nasty, vicious karmic cycle. Their silence is their coping mechanism.

We live in a mad, pissed-off world of fear. I love the song Mad World so much that I am going to share two versions, lyrics written by Roland Orzabal. Tears For Fears – Mad World Adam Lambert – Mad World

If forgiveness is difficult towards people who don’t support you, who you thought would, remember, they have fear of repercussions they will face at the hands of those who would impose controls upon them. Fear requires coping even if the fear is invisible.

Peter Gabriel — “Don’t Give UP” – gather your strength. The thing is love, support, and compassion may come from where you least expect it. God may have a purpose for you. He/She may want you to join his/her army. I got that message at the very first workshop I attended on conscious awareness in the ‘90’s, but wasn’t ready to fully experience it. Then 10 years ago, after doing some energetic clearing, this message got stronger. This day, I decided to walk to pick up, my daughter from school. Suddenly there was an intensity of energy around me, a smile came to my face, and I started to laugh. This happens when the angels are around me, and I don’t care if anyone is watching. I kept laughing and saying “wow…wow…wow.” I was full of awe and gratitude. Not only was support there, but I was part of the team.

This team saved my life several times. Elton John – Someone Saved My Life Tonight

Many often question, how you know when it’s a divine message and when it’s your head. When you put a little time and effort into clearing the old, unconscious programs, unconscious ways of thinking, and self-defeating believes, your ego steps out of the way, and you just know.

“Sometimes you just don’t know, what you just don’t know until you know it.” ~ me

Knowing it requires a little effort, but don’t give up. Intuitively we discern between ego and the authentic.

Don’t sacrifice yourself because you feel like other people don’t understand. Remember that carbon under pressure becomes a diamond, and when it is unearthed, it can be polished and sparkle with intensity and great value.

Comments are welcome.

Reiki & Signs from the Divine, “Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign,” Bonus – Extra Songs

Reiki & Signs from the Divine, “Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign,” Bonus – Extra Songs


WARNING: This is a three-part entry.  Let that be your sign that signs are all around us.

Part I: Some of you believe in synchronicity and divine signs; some of you don’t. Either way, it’s okay.  When I first recognized and accepted my journey, over 30 years ago, my sign was white feathers. It is said feathers are gifts and/or signs from the angels. As is so for many, the feathers were there to let me know I was on the right path, and that everything was going to be alright.  And… there were lots of them.  Commonly, they would be next to my car door, in a doorway, walking path or would float right in front of me.  More obscurely, would be when they would show up under an object or in the dressing room of a retail store.

One day, a friend who knew about my little idio-synchronicity (yeah, that’s a made-up word), called. She said she had been having a particularly bad day, and while stopped at an intersection, caught up in mixed emotion of self-pity, anger, resentment, what-ever we all go through, suddenly a white feather floated through her car window.  In a split-second she found herself laughing out loud and saying, “thank you, thank you, thank you,” to whoever or whatever being delivered the sign that everything would be alright.

Cool, we got a little Bob Marley mixed into this post – “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright” You can pause here, stop altogether, or listen in the background, whatever you like, but there is more to this story about signs, and I invite you to continue reading when you are ready. Maybe my story will help you to read your own signs a little better if reading them has been a challenge for you.  Even if it hasn’t been a challenge, maybe the story will offer a friendly reminder of some of the signs you have already received and temporarily have forgotten.

Part II: For me, the white feathers made sense because my primary guide, guardian angel, is Magic Cloud, who was a Native American Sioux. He introduced himself to me back in the late 80’s right when I was accepting this said journey. 

My ex-husband made fun of me, and made fun of Magic Cloud when I openly admitted to my newfound connection. He had a quite a sense of humor, but with this event, he would dance around and do Native American chants in a highly mocking manner. The man had really, really bad vision, so he always kept his glasses close by and put them on his nightstand before sleeping. Being a musician, and working until 2 am, I would be half-way through my workday before he would get up. One day, he called me at work and asked me if I had hidden his glasses. My instinctive reaction was, “What are you talking about?” He said, “My glasses are missing, so I had to pull out an old pair.  I’ve looked everywhere for my good ones, and I know I put them on the nightstand like I always do. Did you hide them?” “Seriously,” I said, “I am not that devious.”

When I got home, changed and started about my home routine, I noticed this strange ball of pink fluffy stuff, like a finely shredded poly-satin which matched absolutely nothing in the house.  The next thing I noticed was a blanket rolled up in an odd way on the couch.  I picked up the blanket and shook it, so I could fold it and out came the glasses. “Found your glasses,” I shouted.  “Where?” he said?  “Rolled up inside the blanket,” I replied.  He said, “That can’t be.  I shook that blanket out earlier. “Well it was rolled up in a ball, and they were in there.” Because his persona was that of an entertainer, and because he kept himself in this mode, there wasn’t a whole lot of sincere expression from this guy, or serious for that matter. In that moment, there was sort of a stop-motion, and then slow-motion, “I did not roll that blanket up.” “Hmm,” I said, “I guess Magic Cloud has a sense of humor.”

Okay, so the pink fluffy stuff was still really random and weird, and I could never figure out where it could have come from.  I assumed it was Magic Cloud’s way of offering me a sign that there was more to this episode. In particular, it was a sign to me that “he-who,” “the-ex,” wasn’t just being stupid. And, it was a sign that couldn’t be explained as easily as feathers. At that point, the-ex (who shall not be named) never stopped mocking me, but he did stop mocking Magic Cloud.

I don’t purposely go around saying, “ooh it’s a sign!”  In other words, I am not looking for or CREATING signs in my mind, making the pieces fit, or shoving square pegs into round holes just to explain things away or to influence or excuse my choices. I am regularly consciously awake and aware, so I notice things, and grateful for when they show up.  Occasionally, I will ASK, to be shown or given a sign.

Enjoy this R.Carlos Nakai & William Eaton clip as we move on to Part III, Native American flute touches my soul deeply and creates an emotional longing for a kinder, gentler time.  This recording from Nakai’s – “Earth Spirit,” runs deep, when you simply sit back and allow the music to envelope you;  It annoys the crap out of my teenage. That’s okay; she’s just resonating at a different frequency at this point in her journey.

Part III: Now, I will share my latest encounter with signs after Reiki, and you can perceive this as you see it.  After years of practicing various types of energetic processing, I finally intuitively knew it was time and, randomly seized the right moment in time to sign up for a Reiki class. Random, yet intuitively knew, hmm, sounds a bit contradictory, but is it?

In Reiki, many of the symbols are Japanese derived.  Who knows exactly why, but this class was natural for me, as if I always knew it.  I wonder if that explains why my dear friend, way back in the 90s, said to me, “Why do you want to take Reiki? You already do it; you just don’t know you are doing it.” Using the word “wonder” is really a personal joke that everyone won’t understand, but can.  While there are a lot of things, I still wonder about, there are many things that I don’t question or wonder about at all.  It is what it is (Isis). I’ve been taught, and taught myself to tap into my intuitive knowing.  If you check out my book, available here at, I include a story where I spoke Japanese without knowing the language in this incarnation.

After class, I had to make a quick stop at the store to pick up an ingredient that I was missing for dinner. I questioned how badly, I really needed to do this, but decided not to make a big deal about it.  Walking into the store, there was a coin lying on the ground, and as you can guess, I’ll pick up random shiny objects. The sun was intensely bright, so I just stuck it in my pocket without looking at it closely. 

When I went to do laundry the next day, I found the coin and noticed…..the symbols on the coin were Oriental in nature. Wow!  Not U.S., not Mexican, not Canadian, but Oriental. Now I still haven’t identified precisely where the coin is from, but the simple fact that it was not more local and was decorated with character type letters that could be Japanese was quite fascinating, synchronistic and seemed to be a sign to me. It brought a smile to my face. What little synchronicities and signs have brought a smile to yours? 

Please feel free to share. I just want to finish up by giving a shout-out to Susanne Wilson – The one and only “Carefree Medium” ( for a great class.  Another, to Keith Varnum ( for helping to develop the ability to be aware, recognize and read the signs, guiding me on my path to helping others.  So let’s close with this extensive blog post with “Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign” by Five Man Electrical Band, Turn it up! Tesla does a great cover