Back to Reality – Shogged, Not Shagged

Back to Reality – Shogged, Not Shagged

Yes, I know I have strange titles for my posts, but my readers know that when they stick with me, it all starts to make a little more sense.

I’m also taking this post in a different direction, to talk about love and dating. For survivors those feelings of being unlovable, can trap us into a need to be loved since we have difficulty giving love to ourselves. We try to make up for it by having someone else love us. This why we need to get really clear and comfortable with ourselves, because that need can attract the wrong people. If we aren’t sovereign in knowing ourselves, we unknowingly attract some of the same kinds of abuse, even though it may not show up early on in a relationship.

Rather watch the video version?  Click here: Video Version – Reality Check

When I share my stories, it’s not about me. They are shared with the intent that the story resonates for you. Maybe through my stories, you can find the truth and humor in your own story. It’s about whatever it takes to propel the awakening process.

Fresh off a retreat in beautiful Sundance, Utah, with fabulous people, hosted by the phenomenal staff Achieve Coaching (, I came home to harsh reality checks in many areas of my life. This can happen after being on such a high at a retreat. But… the more you practice consciousness, the faster you don’t buy into the lows, and you bounce back higher.

Let’s not forget it’s Mercury Retrograde, which brings up a lot our crap. Remember when crap shows up, it’s asking for attention so we can clear it. It requires us to slow down and take a little review of our lives. It’s actually perfectly designed. Let’s not forget, “it’s not all about you,” Mercury Retrograde happens for those around us too. If you don’t know what Mercury Retrograde is, look it up.

The reason I am such a proponent of consciousness is that what in the past, I would have viewed as life shattering, actually leaves me laughing and feeling much more peaceful than I would have in the past. I have a sense of what equanimity is.

The topic of soul mates has been coming up repeatedly, not just for me, but  it seems to be a big theme for many. Relationships are changing, so I want to touch on this. In doing so the intent is that survivors will go into new relationships with more awareness, and more sovereignty. There are lots of varying opinions on what soul mate, twin flame, true love relationships are, or what it means. Do some research. Draw your own conclusion, but be cautious of all the misinformation too. Don’t buy into everything you hear. Check in with how YOU feel. Put your ego desires aside, and ask your authentic self “what do I know to be true?

We have lots of soul mates. Why do I say this? Because every member of our soul group is a soul mate. Let’s consider the common expression by an unknown author, “people show up in our lives for a season, a reason, or a lifetime.” Don’t forget it works both ways. We show up in their lives too. Soul mates do not have to be romantic, sexual, or stick around forever. Twin Flames are an entirely different subject, and best explained by those in a true twin relationship. For that I’d recommend Mel and Nicole at

Since I started to study consciousness, I was taught when any relationship has ended, it is always best to look at the love and the lessons with gratitude. That would mean love and lessons from spirit, universe, or even the other person. Easier said than done, right? We can observe bitterness coming from our own ego, but it’s best to explore that with a sense of integrity and let it go. Be happy with what was gained, regardless of any pain. After all, on a spiritual level, we made agreements, and we’ve played roles for each other in other time-lines (other lives).  

Seeing others work through emotions in this way, meaning looking at the love and the lessons, I’ve allowed myself to be clear, sovereign and at peace with my choices. We are not responsible for other’s emotional state; they are. We are only responsible for our own, including the moments when our own emotional state isn’t exactly what we’d like it to be.

Here is a quote from Osho that I revisit often:

osho - love-to-disturb-people-quote-saying

Okay, so let me spill some truth about me. By conscious choice, I’m single again after a 12 year live-in relationship.I also had a 16 year marriage prior. In the last few months, I’ve opened myself to dating again, and I’ve attracted the season or reason men. How does the Osho quote fit in? Well notice Osho’s quote says shog, not shag. Yes, I know I have a warped sense of humor, but we are talking about relationships and dating. I thought it would be fun to inject a little Austin Powers humor. Until we know where a relationship is going, it’s not a good idea to shag too soon anyway. Because we have so much love to give, and we want to feel loved, shagging can create unconscious attachments that might not be good for us. I’m not telling you what to do when it comes to dating or shagging, just cautioning you to be wise with your choices, and your heart. Accept that sometimes, it is what it is.

austin power shag later

As it turns out, I’ve been doing some shogging. Since I’m shogging, not shagging, I’m good with these guys being the season or a reason type. I am very clear on who I am, and the messages that I came here to deliver. And, with all integrity, one man actually facilitated what I would call a miracle for me, that was 55 years in the making, but that is another story, for another time.

Let me get back to the point. So far, when I meet or date, I’m triggering a reality check in these guys, and shogging them pretty hard, because they start taking a deeper look at their own lives. I haven’t done anything other than be me. I haven’t asked them to change. I haven’t told them what to do. I haven’t even made a suggestion, unless they ask.

The reason I know this is happening, is because at least three of them have communicated this is what happened in a very clear, open and deeply exposed way. They drew the conclusion they needed a reality check of their own, on their own. Their secret is safe. I’m not sharing any names, just my part of the story. The mutually parting of ways, has actually been a relief to me, because ultimately I do want that yang to my yin. Granted, we always have deeper lessons with our life-partners, but it should be a more balanced level. The experiences of seeing what I don’t want, long or short term, just gets me closer to finding what I do. To get there it is key to look at the lesson, and not shut ourselves off because of past hurts or wounded egos. In all sincerity, I’ve found myself congratulating these seasonal men for taking a step towards waking up, and wishing them a magical journey.

That is actually a wake-up call for me too, to see how empowered I AM. I’m in an I AM space, facilitating the awakening process, which is exactly what we all came here to do. We can take a journey with another, but how can we ever be happy until we are happy with ourselves.

At first, my daughter thought I was being mean, and I said, “NO I’m NOT Being Mean,” I’m triggering a path of self-discovery for them to discover who they already are, so they can be happy. That’s a joyous thing. Maybe somewhere along the journey, they will find that happiness.

In the past, it would have been easy to slip into ego, and think “well if I am so wonderful in helping these men, why aren’t they sticking around and falling in love with me?” So many people get caught up in ego when it comes to love, and allow themselves to get caught up in relationships that aren’t the right fit. I hear it all the time, and I ask why do you want them to stick around if it’s not the right fit? In the past, I got caught up in that too. But, that’s not me. That’s not who I am, and this life is not all about me. Funny, but I still shutter a bit saying the words “in love.” Yet, I’m happy. I’m laughing. I’m having fun. I’m finding immense joy (and a little ego satisfaction) that people around me are waking up.

I really don’t want them falling in love with me, or me falling in love with them, but I can certainly find appreciation and gratitude for the experience. As a survivor of abuse, I’m not a man hater. Like many of us, as a survivor of trauma, I’ve hidden my light. I’ve kept myself isolated. We all have a light to shine, and it’s not fair to leave other people in the darkness. So I shogged them a little, so what.

In this story, maybe you will find some new perspective and peace with your life. As I always say “you can have love without peace, but when you seek peace love follows. Let love happen naturally.

seek peace modififed 5 with weblink

Be sovereign with yourself. Here’s a hint to my song selection; “you can’t control and independent heart.” We should never be under someone else’s control, or try to control them. We can love many people in different ways, and here is hint number two; we certainly don’t want to “tear the one you love apart.” Hint three; “Free, free, set them free.” Sting – If You Love Somebody (Set Them Free) No wonder I admire Sting, and I admire the relationship he and Trudy have. I don’t know about you, but I would love to aspire to something like that, someday, maybe? Article from by Shyam Dodge discussing Sting and Trudy – Last Ship Premier

Second song suggestion; Back to Life -Soul II Soul Back to Life, Back to Reality. 


Get to Know Your Ego. It Will Help You If You Let It.

Get to Know Your Ego. It Will Help You If You Let It.


In my book, “Why Bother? Because Self-help is Never Stupid,” I address ego in Chapter 10, titled “Know Thyself.” This chapter expresses my belief that if we wrong our ego, we are invalidating a part of who we are. As we awaken, we learn to know ourselves better, and when we feel our ego rise up, sometimes shouting, we can learn to listen it and understand what is going on inside of us.

The ego does not subside by dismissing it. We must learn to embrace it like any other relationship so that we get to know it, and get it to cooperate where eventually it integrates, and we become whole again. Understanding our ego and all the facets of our ego will help us know ourselves. The ego resides in the full spectrum of who we are, and is essential to understanding what we came here to do, a big part of which is the experience of being human.

Pissed-off, numb, in denial, or heightened emotions are functions of the ego. When we find ourselves, asking the question, “what the hell is happening,” and stating, “but I’m a good person, this shouldn’t be happening to me,” who better to help you understand what is going on than the ego?

In comprehending the difference between when circumstances are outside self, and when they are inside of self, the ego can be our ally. When we start to understand our own ego, we can look at the reactions of other’s differently. We can begin to respond to some else’s ego from a place of merciful sorrow and joy.

If you maintain a regular practice of meditation utilizing the chakras, the high-heart which is an additional chakra, and extension of the standard seven, is a very good place to focus because it reveals discernment, mercy and co-operation. Remember co-operation does not mean conform.

41.high heart

As part of the evolutionary process of who we are, we must learn to stop wronging the ego. It is important for the ego to mature as much as our intellect. In how many partnerships have you heard someone say that the other one never grew-up? It’s not about growing old. It’s about maintaining a youthfulness into maturity. Utilizing the high-heart chakra will assist.

This does not mean play into the immature part of the ego. It means, get to know all aspects ego. It shows you how you respond, and if you choice it allows you to respond better, more effectively, more graciously, and more merciful. The ego is not your enemy as we have been taught in the past.

enemies - peace with the ego2 -

When we talk to the ego and teach it that it is safe, it settles down. It wants to be told, everything is going to be okay. It can serve to help us recognize exactly that, everything is divine and perfect when we operate from an integrated soul level of awareness. HOWEVER, it takes some practice before we recognize that this is a very practical way to heal.

56.listen to authentic voice - ego2

Fear is a product of feeling fragmented. We come in to the world whole. Then life happens. We feel separated from God when that is merely an illusion of being separate from god (the god within all of us). The fragment parts of self are crying out to be reconnected; united in harmonic oneness. There you will be together again, which leads to two songs for today’s post. “Together Again,” by Evanescence. Evanescence – Together Again and Sting – The Book of My Life Sting – The Book of my Life.

See if you agree how fitting they are when it comes to talking about fragmented parts of self, and the desire to be whole again.


fragmented to whole

Don’t forget to buy the book, and comments are welcome! Namaste, my friends.