Suicide Prevention Month – Become Consciously Aware – Another Reason Why Self-Help is Never Stupid

Suicide Prevention Month – Become Consciously Aware – Another Reason Why Self-Help is Never Stupid

By no means, am I claiming to be an expert on suicide or suicide prevention. I can only share from my own personal, direct experience, and maybe that experience will help someone else.

There is always so much that could be said in regards to suicide because, as with all issues, every person has their own reasons, own experiences, own perspective, and own way of handling life’s challenges even among the glaring similarities. That’s why if you are considering suicide, or know someone who is at risk, get help. If it’s an emergency call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.

While PTSD is not the only cause of suicide, twenty-two veterans die each day at their own hand. Not only is it already a leading cause, but add into that PTSD caused by other trauma, and you start to notice an even more distinct pattern.

Statistics show approximately 40,000 suicide deaths in the U.S.A. annually, and somewhere between 500,000 and 1,000,000 attempts. SAVE.org states: For young people 15-24 years old, suicide is the second leading cause of death.

Prevention, likes all paths to a solution, always comes back to education and awareness, and conscious awareness is the best kind there is.

There is a difference between simple awareness and conscious awareness and it would benefit ALL of US on a much greater scale, if we would get to know that. The thing about conscious awareness is that for some it’s a difficult choice. For me that is why the metaphor of choosing the red pill or the blue, from the movie The Matrix is always so profound.

Many of you already know that I believe (even though I place caution around unconscious belief) the biggest cause of problems in this world comes from some form of abuse, and denial of abuse, as one type of abuse often leads to another, sometimes unnoticed. Face it, doesn’t awareness begin with observation and noticing? This is a big theme in my book, Why Bother? Because Self-Help is Never Stupid.

Survivors, and those in recovery, know the pain and torment that silence on the part of all parties involved has caused. On the other hand silence can be a survival tactic. While breaking silence around so many issues is of critical importance to create awareness, there may be occasion to stop judging silence, particularly your own.

September being suicide prevention month leaves me wondering, if I had spoken up sooner about my sexual abuse, and been dismissed as a kid, the way that I was dismissed as a 30 something adult, and still dismissed at 50 something, would I be alive today?

Sexual abuse started for me, at age 12, and while I put a stop to it around 17, there were additional advances made until I was 20. Having personally experienced multiple types of abuse, repeated sexual abuse has been the most traumatic, the most negatively impactful, and the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to experience in my life. I say that acknowledging that others have had it worse. NO ONE should ever have to go through this.

Sexual abuse is considered immoral, unethical, and criminal for good reason. For the survivor, it’s just not something you ever forget, no matter how far behind you, you put it, or how conscious you become.

Conscious awareness is vitally important to healing, even though the process of awakening can be difficult, it’s not nearly as traumatic as the trauma you experienced in the first place. Practicing and playing in the arena of conscious awareness makes you stronger.

Unconscious people will in one breath claim to be aware of the impacts of trauma, then in the next say something that causes a trigger for those who will never have the trauma erased from their lives. It’s taken me a long time to admit that I attempted suicide, considered it multiple times, and can pinpoint several times when I unconsciously almost killed myself with self-destructive behavior. The first time, I was 14 not knowing that the handful of prescription sleeping pills weren’t strong enough to end my life.

Granted, I ALONE am responsible for the choices I made, no matter what age I was. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t influenced by being a somewhat isolated kid, who was seeking approval, acceptance and love from her much older siblings, and had compounded feelings because of having emotionally unavailable parents. That does not blame them for my poor choices. These are simply the factors that influenced my poor choices when one adult sister handed me a pipe at 12, and another allowed me to the opportunity to use that rolled up bill at 13.

While this might not seem unusual, and while many overcome this with no scars, the fact is that the drug abuse was a set up, and part of the grooming process that lead to years of sexual abuse. Abuse doesn’t stop after the events stop because now you have been programmed to accept abuse.

While some excuse the choice the men who abused me made, because they had abusive backgrounds, I can guarantee you that if I influenced or abused their children, in a similar manner, it would have been a completely different situation. One day a family member from the next generation heard comments being made about expectations placed upon me, and laughed saying “Aunt Martha is held to a different set of standards, I’ve never had to do that.” I was grateful that some finally noticed.

The story, like the denial some live in, runs much deeper than the few facts presented here, and isn’t the point. The point is that now I can see more clearly all the shame, blame, guilt, responsibility, lack of responsibility, desires, conflicting desires, big egos, wounded egos, immorality, conviction, belief, set up, grooming, and many more factors involved that created the unhealthy, unsafe, environment that caused me consider suicide. Not that long ago, my mother said, “but we gave you everything,” as if financial support is the one and only thing that is important. That in itself clued me into the financial abuse because of the constant take-away threats.

Some would say. why do you still try to engage in conversation with them? At this point, I have disengaged, but in pushing the issue as an adult, I gained clarity and closure important to healing. It allowed me to grieve not having a family that was kind, nurturing, loving, supportive, any of those things that we All desire and deserve, even if they see themselves as such. Isn’t it obvious that this world is in desperate need of these elements, and desperate need to step out of denial?

To be perfectly honest, I have a love/hate relationship with humanity and the lack of humanity. It may be a flaw that my heart is not 100% love, but at least I am honest.

In consciously observing the situation, I can see that if I hadn’t been silent about the sexual abuse back then, clearly I would not be on this planet today. I would have allowed the lack of compassion to wound me more deeply. If I have anything to be grateful for, it’s the strength I have gained from conscious awareness, and the ability to walk with integrity.

For some, who have not been able to reach this place of noticing, observation, awareness, conscious understanding, compassion, and knowing, the pain has been too great to bear. It’s sad, because with these elements, I would dare to say that some suicides would have been prevented. It becomes easy to see the prevalence of the attitude society takes against mental and emotional problems. Their ignorance is not bliss.

Like me, it may benefit you to recognize that when every single member of your immediate family, appears to defend a sex offender, it’s really not all about you, or the offender. Much of it is about them, and their inability to recognize their own invisible disability. Remember if we were controlled, manipulated, and abused, there is a good chance they were too. Abuse is a nasty, vicious karmic cycle. Their silence is their coping mechanism.

We live in a mad, pissed-off world of fear. I love the song Mad World so much that I am going to share two versions, lyrics written by Roland Orzabal. Tears For Fears – Mad World Adam Lambert – Mad World

If forgiveness is difficult towards people who don’t support you, who you thought would, remember, they have fear of repercussions they will face at the hands of those who would impose controls upon them. Fear requires coping even if the fear is invisible.

Peter Gabriel — “Don’t Give UP” – gather your strength. The thing is love, support, and compassion may come from where you least expect it. God may have a purpose for you. He/She may want you to join his/her army. I got that message at the very first workshop I attended on conscious awareness in the ‘90’s, but wasn’t ready to fully experience it. Then 10 years ago, after doing some energetic clearing, this message got stronger. This day, I decided to walk to pick up, my daughter from school. Suddenly there was an intensity of energy around me, a smile came to my face, and I started to laugh. This happens when the angels are around me, and I don’t care if anyone is watching. I kept laughing and saying “wow…wow…wow.” I was full of awe and gratitude. Not only was support there, but I was part of the team.

This team saved my life several times. Elton John – Someone Saved My Life Tonight

Many often question, how you know when it’s a divine message and when it’s your head. When you put a little time and effort into clearing the old, unconscious programs, unconscious ways of thinking, and self-defeating believes, your ego steps out of the way, and you just know.

“Sometimes you just don’t know, what you just don’t know until you know it.” ~ me

Knowing it requires a little effort, but don’t give up. Intuitively we discern between ego and the authentic.

Don’t sacrifice yourself because you feel like other people don’t understand. Remember that carbon under pressure becomes a diamond, and when it is unearthed, it can be polished and sparkle with intensity and great value.

Comments are welcome.

Denial of a Different Form – Soul Pilot – Chocolate Anyone? Chapter 4 – Part B, from my Book; Why Bother?

Denial of a Different Form – Soul Pilot – Chocolate Anyone? Chapter 4 – Part B, from my Book; Why Bother?

 

This post might be a little cheating on blog writing, but it’s not going to cheat you. In my book; Why Bother? Because Self-Help is Never Stupid, I talk about denial, its’ many aspect, the danger of denying our emotions, and the problems that are miscreated when we push our emotions way down below the surface where they lie dormant and fester ready to explode massively, like a volcano.  It’s why so many of us walk around pissed-off, in pain, numb, or overly sensitive. It’s also why I’ve got that big volcano in the background of the book cover. 

Here I am going to share a short excerpt, from my book, that discusses a different aspect of denial.  I am a proponent of exploring both sides of anything, exploring multiple facets, and playing on the spectrum of life until you find a place that feels like home, authentic, rare and real.

So here it is.  Song links at the bottom. Enjoy:

Part B. Denial of a Different Form

There is another form of belief around denial. There is a belief that to be enlightened, we must let go of all our earthly wants, desires and cravings; that we must deny ourselves (deny yourself?). Here again is something that has been taken too literal. While giving up anything for a period of a time has value, such as TV, sugar, chemical-laden food, and, particularly, idle chatter in the brain, there remains that possibility that giving up everything permanently has the opposite extreme and does allow fulfillment of the authentic self. Where is enjoyment in this belief? It’s difficult to have a flame of passion when the pilot isn’t lit. Shouldn’t you – “Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot” – Sting. How can you have joy without the action of participating in something that creates joy?

While this form of denial can lead to the emptiness required so that we can refill the kettle and start cooking with passion, living only an inward journey without participating in an outward journey can leave you feeling just as hollow as an outward journey without an inward journey. Going to temple on Saturday, going to church on Sunday, or going to any other service without really digesting the good or not being able to digest what you are being force fed is going through motions without fulfillment. Our lessons must be both palatable and digestible. If not, you need to find another place to eat, eat at home, or go on a liquid fast for a while, both physically and metaphorically. Keep in mind there is a key in the word “service” as, often, those who are the most fulfilled live in some type of service to others.

If you crave something, then taste it, as long as you aren’t sucking someone else’s blood physically, energetically, or otherwise. If your cravings tend towards causing yourself or other people pain, you need to deny yourself and seek professional help. Having some Hungarian lineage, I’ve encountered that feeling of having the life blood sucked right out of me.

Much of the problem we face starts when we allow marketing to manipulate us into thinking we need something outside of us to bring us satisfaction, and we are obsessed by not denying ourselves anything. This is fairly obvious in the outside world; we’ve got that concept intellectually under control even though we still buy into trappings. Those who are on an inward journey succumb to buying crystals, oil, incense, and more. Me, too! They are beautiful, they smell beautiful, and they are powerful tools, but they are still just the tool. It’s our job to implement the tool.

Often we crave things we “think” we want but are left unsatisfied or bored when we get those things. Then we are left wanting more or something else. We end up accumulating a bunch of crap, and the shit piles get deep. We feel disappointment. This is the time to look inward. We should be using the crap as compost and turn it into fertilizer.

By not cultivating the inside and the outside of self, we can create the false feelings of unworthiness or entitlement to the extreme. We start to deny ourselves based on unworthiness and fear of disappointment, and we tend to take on the expectation of wanting someone or something else to fix or fulfill us. If you need a Band-Aid (the aid of a band, music and sound) then use it.

Sound and vibration help break up stuck patterns and vicious circles, especially the vibration of words from the past that haunt us. We have to be open to listening; recognizing that we have options and choosing the sounds that create harmony for us.

Those who don’t feel they have support but have a strong will (solar plexus chakra), will want to seek support from reliable sources and not expect support from those who are incapable of offering it. Ayah Asher Ayah (explanation to follow in the chapter on intentions).

The concept of “you have to want it for yourself” and “find your own answers” contains the element of personal responsibility, which lowers your expectations. Help is there if you want it, but you have to crave it for yourself. It’s not about letting go of craving but tapping into what your soul craves. How about craving peace? Can you feel that?

Taking an outward journey without taking an inward journey defies the laws of our nature. It is in embracing both the inner and outer that turns our natural world into the supernatural that knows no fear.

Now that was a deeper level. So if you really are just craving a piece of chocolate, go ahead, for God’s sake, have a piece of chocolate. Just let it be. Allow some things to be a pointless pleasure; laugh and play with purpose and without. Seriously, did I say, “Let It Be”? Okay, then, The Beatles, just not fried or chocolate-covered. EW.

Soul Pilot – Sting

Let It Be – The Beatles