So cool, to be able to make the “Thriller” announcement that Why Bother? Because Self-Help is Never Stupid hit #1 on Amazon in Self-Help, and holds Best Seller status.
BIG THANKS to the supporters!
More thrilling is that this means the book is fulfilling its purpose, which is to help others, once and for all, make peace with demons of the past.
One reader, Chris from Florida, had this to say — “The words and the musical journey are amazing. I have been fighting demons for years and years but for the first time, I can say that I have peace with the demons, thanks to the soul sharing of this author.”
Conquering demons, now I find that not just a thriller, that’s a Supernatural Thriller.
Michael Jackson – Link to Thriller Video
Some may judge the use of a Michael Jackson song since he was accused of child molestation, which obviously is something I advocate against. I am choosing not to judge. His case is a mind-boggling dichotomy and a conundrum; a prime example of the maddening duality we live in.
We don’t know the whole truth. Was he a molester, or was he trapped in his child-like Neverland fantasy? Was he making up for his own lost, dysfunctional childhood? Was he also a victim? Was he groomed? Did he do it?
If he did molest, clearly that is wrong. It’s confusing because he brought such beauty, light, and love to the world both through his music, and his humanitarian efforts. There are lots of predators out there who want to take our money any way they can get it. Imagine what fame and fortune presented to someone like Michael.
Heart-Centered Conscious awareness makes us question the Lynch mob. Conscious awareness is heart-centered, but integrated. It can help us get out of the self-defeating denial program of pretending we don’t know that our answers are inside of us. It helps us step into the truth of what we do know. Michael Jackson’s story is one where awareness, challenges what we do and don’t know. There are always at least two sides to every story. Things are never just one way, and appearance can be deceiving.
I admit my humanness when I do judge, as when I hear the testimony of Archbishop Robert Carlson regarding the allegations of abuse against him.
From his testimony: “I’m not sure whether I knew it was a crime or not.”
When asked when he first realized it was a crime for an adult, including priests, to have sex with a child, Carlson said, “I don’t remember.”
Are you f-ing kidding me? Um…excuse me… shouldn’t someone in the position of being a moral leader have a clear definition of this rather than be promoted to a higher position of authority? Pulling the “I don’t know,” “I don’t remember,” card is blatant B.S., and makes me pissed-off.
Those words are PTSD triggers for me, because they have been used against me challenging my own elephant-like memory. My awareness tells me that experiencing words of ignorance, are being divinely offered as gentle reminders to in turn offer comforting words to others. While there may be an emotional charge on the triggers, they only show-up, so I can show the support and compassion that I never experienced from my family.
When words are conveyed to me like, “Who’s to say what or where you’d be if your childhood had been different? Would you have the courage you have now?” Um…you mean where would I be if I didn’t have to battle the demons of distraction caused by trauma of sexual abuse nearly every single day for the last 40 years? I may be winning because I took my life back, but I still battle. I’ve battled many demons, and more than one kind. No wonder, I am such a huge Supernatural (CW Network-TV show) fan. I hear horror stories of what others have endured, much like my own, which is why I choose to stand up and speak up. What does it say when someone defends an offender?
Learning to be the observer has taught me many things. Now, I can test for responses to help me transform my own beast-like demons into something of light and beauty. After being triggered, well maybe just prompted by universal wisdom, I asked my mother if she understood that sex-offenders go to jail for a reason? She said, “I don’t know.” One of my abusers is more a part of the family than I am, which is why I am in a self-imposed exile.
There were several more questions regarding sexual offenses to which she responded “I don’t know.” So I said, “Well you do understand laws are created for a reason, right?” She still responded with, “I don’t know.” Interesting since she had been robbed recently, having the police to her home several times, and she admitted to feeling violated. Interesting, really interesting, considering she and my sister say as a child, “I was just taken advantage of.” Consciousness offers the recognition that she is trapped in the mind of a three-year-old.
Knowing her own entrapment, allows me to deal with emotions like betrayal, lack of support, lack of safety, mistrust, feeling unloved, and more, even if they never completely go away, and even if a typical three-year-old know the difference between right and wrong. I can take comfort in knowing the family’s inability to offer true love and support, is not about me. Rather than mourn what I don’t have, I can allow myself to be alive in the presence of truth, rather than part of The Walking Dead (AMC-TV show).
Funny because in that conversation with my mother, I asked, “Are you at all proud of me at all for standing up for myself?” Again, she said, “I don’t know.” I really, really try to avoid drama, but the universe likes to offer me revelation and humor. I get a desperate call from my mother at 5:45 am, my time. She’s wanting to know where my daughter is, to which I replied, “in bed, why?” She replied, “Are you sure, because I just got a call from her saying she was arrested in New York.” It was a scam. I told her to report it to the police. Then she proceeded to tell me she wasn’t sure if she should call me because the person on the phone that my mother continued to identify as my daughter, told her not to tell anyone. Mother couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that as a minor, the police would have had to call me regarding any matter concerning my child. While the fact that someone tried to scam her isn’t funny, the allegory is. After reporting it to the police, she called me back, and said, “the police officer told me I should be Proud of myself for thinking it might be scam, and I AM.” I just smiled and chuckled to myself, “I’m so glad you are proud of yourself, Mom, because you sure aren’t capable of being proud of me standing up for 24% of the population.” The story offers a small glimpse of the extend of the dysfunction I was raised in.
Come on, it’s Halloween! Celebrate! Watch the Thriller video, again and again. Get up and dance a few times.
Link to Thriller by Michael Jackson
~Turn what was once maniacal into something magical~ martha du’sage
Who hasn’t been touched by the passing of Robin Williams in some way?
You all know I have a strange way of weaving things together. Today I was inspired by a post on Facebook by Mama Bear’s Voice, another advocate of speaking out against abuse. Having planned another post, that one went on the back burner as soon as I saw the picture below.
As we become more conscious and aware things show up synchronistically as triggers to guide us. Something that was said to me, along with this photo and the very, very sad passing of Robin Williams, were clearly synchronistic events. Abuse survivors, people with PTSD, and depression know all too well how fragile we are and how we can be crippled by suicidal thoughts. Most of the time we never tell anyone because we are consumed with planning it.
Robin obviously had a much greater purpose beyond making us laugh even though that is probably the best part of what he has given us. He has shown us so much more.
Recently, I was told, by someone that I love very much, and who is tied to one of my perpetrators by choice, that I was “taken advantage of.” Wow, what a way to minimize, dismiss, and justify what happened to me. I recognize their need to say things like this as a way to reconcile and feel better about their own choices. My ego can step aside, honoring that we all have choices to make regardless of the impact on me, because it’s not all about me. A chapter is dedicated to this in my book. No matter how I feel initially, I check with my heart, head, gut and ego to see what the integrated voices have to say to me when I feel dismissed so I can live with myself.
This person is also someone who, as a young teen, I thought I was protecting with my silence. My PTSD is under control to a great degree because in developing conscious awareness, I have a compassionate knowing that this person is having difficulty accepting both of their roles in my story of sexual abuse, and initiating my drug abuse. They were adults, feeding me drugs and alcohol at 13 including strong narcotics. I bet if I asked, they would say they don’t remember, but I remember every detail of the first time I snorted with a dollar bill.
Oh my; I am rocking and laughing. Is that you, Robin? The universe or someone is giving me a message as I write. Rather than beleaguer all the drama, Pandora is playing this song. Here’s it is by Skillet – “It’s Not Me It’s You” Click the link: Skillet – It’s Not Me It’s You. See what consciousness can do for all of us.
Wondering how different things could have turned out doesn’t have much value, and keeps us stuck in the past. Focusing on what we can learn from our experiences, and how we can use them advantageously to create a better life for ourselves and others does. That does not excuse the bad behavior of others. It also doesn’t stop me from wondering how they would feel about me, had I turned into the same type of abuser against their children, which often happens in cases of abuse. Instead of being fragile, I’ve gathered strength and courage to break free from silence and dysfunction. Freedom. Peace. Expression. I’ve said yes to all three. That doesn’t dismiss someone else who is in deeper pain, and doesn’t impose a “should” upon them.
The idea of breaking free, has particular significance to me because my first victimizer would hold my wrists with one hand, forcibly pinning me down while he fondled me. Sarcasm; but, you know, “they just took advantage of me.” My own mother has said this. She can’t comprehend the full impact that CSA has on anyone. I forgive her for not having mama bear instincts. It took a long time for me to “get over,” the lack of compassion. For years, those kinds of words made me fragile. I was fortunate to make consciousness, my kintsugi (Japanese are of repair).
So if anyone tells you to “get over it,” please keep in mind there is a myriad of information coming to light that it’s not that simple. Reading my book will help. I know that is not from my ego. I know because it’s what I came to this planet to do. Consciousness helps us remember what we came her for. I lived it, and I have practical advice to offer. It’s available right here on my website, and you can ask me questions.
Accepting what happened, and forgiving what happened, are not the same as excusing what happened, and certainly does not make the situation acceptable. The person I referred to earlier was upset because I referred to my perpetrator/victimizer as a pedophile. Okay, she’s right, he might not be the classic definition of a pedophile, but he did commit an act of pedophilia. That is a fact.
And I admit, I had a little ego demon wanting to make a stronger point when I said it, but hey, I’m human. Even Osho wanted to disturb people. Right? I’ve endured 40 years of struggling to stay out of hell. I’m winning, and consciousness has made it easier than ever, but that doesn’t dismiss that it’s been a challenge.
Abuse survivors, particularly those who develop PTSD, know that it is much deeper than simply being taken advantage of. The minimizing of what happened to us, the lack of support, lack of understanding the true nature of the conditions the abuse caused, triggers the PTSD that make us feel fragile. Being taken advantage of is when a contractor overcharges you. It’s still abuse, and it’s still wrong, but in NO way compares to the physical and emotional trauma inflicted by sexual abuse.
In my book I say; “Achieving forgiveness for abuse of any kind is not simple. You can’t just wish it away or send it away with love. I would never discount someone’s feelings whose abuse, pain, anger and suffering run much deeper.” I for one certainly will not pretend to know the depth of what Robin Williams was experiencing, that caused him to end his struggle. CSA victims know all too well about suicidal thoughts, and some of us have even attempted it. It took me a long time to admit that.
How many of us have been told to forgive, forget about it, put it behind us. Right? We can forgive, but silence, and forgetting is precisely what has allowed abuse to continue.
Blood is thicker than water; that’s not always true. Accepting and forgiving doesn’t mean there isn’t an element of still being pissed-off or hurt. With conscious awareness we can transmute being pissed-off, and find forgiveness. That doesn’t mean we should give up the fight for what’s right.
Luckily, fortunately and gratefully, conscious awareness is available to all of us. For me, it is the primary key to my healing, keeps me stable, and has erased much of the fragility so that I can speak truth regardless of whether or not others can accept the truth. Handling the truth is up to them. Maybe my perpetrator has atoned to God, and to his wife, but that has not offered atonement or justice for me. In speaking out, I am creating my own form of justice, and hopefully justice for others.
Thank you, Mama Bear for the support and inspiration. I recommend not only liking my Facebook Fan page, but go to Mama Bear’s Voice too.
More songs for today. Click the links to go to them. I’m a rocker at heart but this version of Fragile – by Sting brought me to tears of joy, love, and appreciation for such brilliant artistic expression; Fragile – by Sting
Robin Williams – as the genie from Aladdin Friend Like Me
By now you are getting the idea that music is inspirational to our healing. In the preface of my book, I quote “a great humanitarian – And dear friend for years:” just kidding, that’s a line from All That Jazz. But, I do quote a very highly respect musician; someone who I admire.
“That’s one of the greatest things about music. You can sing a song to 85,000 people, and they’ll sing it back for 85,000 different reasons.”—Dave Grohl
I’m working a little backwards with this post. Typically, I will write, and a song magically shows up that is perfect for the piece, and I get to giggle. Today, I was inspired by this song.
Breath is something that I practice with purpose daily. Breath is the beginning and the end of life. Breath creates a divine, direct connection to pure source. Breath is something we hold onto when we are stressed. Breath can come with a sigh of relief. Breath can pick us up. Breath can calm us down.
You get it by now, right? Breath is vitally important. Common sense would tell us that, but how often do seem to fuhgettaboutit, when we shouldn’t?
In any meditation, spiritual practice, massage, relaxation or energy technique, a good facilitator always reminds you to breathe. This brings me to my inspiration song of the day: Breath – Breaking Benjamin “Breath” – Breaking Benjamin. Lyrics here:
The regular readers are get that abuse, trauma, particularly childhood sexual abuse is my soap box. A lot of songs are written about relationships, but I really understand what Dave Grohl was trying to say. Wait, he’s not in Breaking Benjamin. Yeah, I don’t think he cares about me not using one of his songs in this post.
So this is what this song means to me, and how do I relate it to abuse. Take this lyric: “I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like. Is it over yet, in my head? I know nothing of your kind, and I won’t reveal your evil mind.” This is exactly how I feel about abusers and pedophiles.
Abuse victims know how hard it is to “let go.” It’s not that simple. If it were we would. We pray for it to be over in our head. What many don’t seem to understand is that CSA creates a life-long PTSD to varying degrees, and we are left with being triggered by certain words or events that send us into a downward spiral. We have to learn not to beat ourselves because society judges us for not letting go when there has actually been a chemical change to our brain. No wonder the veterans have such a difficult time.
We can learn to forgive, but we don’t have to forget. Forgetting only comes when it isn’t important enough to remember anymore. I can’t forget because there are too many who are suffering, and they need help to find their path to end suffering.
I always remember focused breathing. I’ve practiced A LOT. Letting go is the wrong place for an abuse victim to start, and so is focusing on love or the heart. For me staying present, aware, and at peace starts with acceptance. Here’s a little something for you to remember to stay out of being pissed-off. If you like it, maybe it will entice you to come to the Heart Pillar workshop which will be available very soon.
As for the rest of the lyrics from Breaking Benjamin’s song- “Breath:”
So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what’s left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I’m going all the way, get away, please.
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
’cause I will be the death of you.
This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.
This is what sexual abuse does, it leaves a hole in our heart, but when we allow ourselves to accept what was unacceptable and heal, we can learn to fill that hole with compassion, and even love.
So many who don’t understand what we are going through, throw salt into our wound. We can choose to walk away from that. We want abuse to sacrifice itself. We want it to get away. We are determined to go all the way into complete healing of ourselves. And…those of us who are no longer silent, are going to be the death of abuse.
Has anyone ever said to you; “no one can make you feel anything or a certain way, you make that choice”? Annoying, huh? But, have you recognized that to be true?
All our emotions are trying to tell us something. When we hear this, it’s easy to drop into ego, and allow ourselves to feel wounded and/or invalidated. When we have an emotional attachment, this is precisely the time to observe ourselves, possibly even get to know ourselves a little better. Better yet, hold ourselves accountable. This doesn’t mean our feelings are wrong. It serves ourselves more authentically to observe…. and take in the lesson.
Have you ever gotten pissed-off at someone who was just trying to help? Family, friend, teacher perhaps? Chapter 3, of my book, talks about this. We also don’t want to place blame. It’s not the fault of the person trying to help, or your fault if you just don’t get that yet. It’s all part of the waking up process. Often our biggest lessons take a while to sink in and it can be frustrating until the enlightened “ah ha” occurs. It’s easy to slip into (doubt) “that sh*t doesn’t work,” (poor me, I can’t) it’s not working for me,” (denial) “I’d rather just not think about it,” (blame) “the teacher sucked.” If you haven’t examined your part and held yourself accountable for the role you played in being pissed-off or wounded, then be prepared to get the lesson again.
It’s easy to point the finger and say, “he/she thinks he/she knows so much.” I try to avoid telling, preferring to guide or share, letting others make their own choices, but let me tell you something, I walked around with my “piss-offedness” (yeah, my made up word) for a long time. Obviously, I had lessons to learn and getting over “pissed-offedness” is something I was meant to share. However, it’s the same for sad or any other emotion you are walking around with on a regular basis. It’s okay to validate the feeling, but then observer it, stay out of ego, and see what you can gain from this experience or hold yourself accountable for.
Recognizing that a messenger is bound take some shots, (bound…hmm also sounds like messengers have spiritual contracts, ya think?). I’m sure Osho pissed a few people off based on his following quote:
“I’ll Stand by You” by Chrissie Hynde and the Pretenders –has been playing over and over in my head. You decide how it fits in this post. Learning to stand independently on your own side (authentic vs. ego), or the ability to see that even when someone pisses you off, they really may have been standing by your side. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLpmj059JFA Then again, may be you have learned what you needed to, and it could just be time to move on to something new.