Feeling Fragile? Suicidal Thoughts – Honoring Robin Williams

Feeling Fragile? Suicidal Thoughts – Honoring Robin Williams

 

Who hasn’t been touched by the passing of Robin Williams in some way?

You all know I have a strange way of weaving things together. Today I was inspired by a post on Facebook by Mama Bear’s Voice, another advocate of speaking out against abuse. Having planned another post, that one went on the back burner as soon as I saw the picture below.

you own you stories, other should have behaved better

As we become more conscious and aware things show up synchronistically as triggers to guide us. Something that was said to me, along with this photo and the very, very sad passing of Robin Williams, were clearly synchronistic events. Abuse survivors, people with PTSD, and depression know all too well how fragile we are and how we can be crippled by suicidal thoughts. Most of the time we never tell anyone because we are consumed with planning it.

Robin obviously had a much greater purpose beyond making us laugh even though that is probably the best part of what he has given us. He has shown us so much more.

Recently, I was told, by someone that I love very much, and who is tied to one of my perpetrators by choice, that I was “taken advantage of.” Wow, what a way to minimize, dismiss, and justify what happened to me. I recognize their need to say things like this as a way to reconcile and feel better about their own choices. My ego can step aside, honoring that we all have choices to make regardless of the impact on me, because it’s not all about me. A chapter is dedicated to this in my book. No matter how I feel initially, I check with my heart, head, gut and ego to see what the integrated voices have to say to me when I feel dismissed so I can live with myself.

This person is also someone who, as a young teen, I thought I was protecting with my silence. My PTSD is under control to a great degree because in developing conscious awareness, I have a compassionate knowing that this person is having difficulty accepting both of their roles in my story of sexual abuse, and initiating my drug abuse. They were adults, feeding me drugs and alcohol at 13 including strong narcotics. I bet if I asked, they would say they don’t remember, but I remember every detail of the first time I snorted with a dollar bill.

Oh my; I am rocking and laughing. Is that you, Robin? The universe or someone is giving me a message as I write. Rather than beleaguer all the drama, Pandora is playing this song. Here’s it is by Skillet – “It’s Not Me It’s You”  Click the link: Skillet – It’s Not Me It’s You. See what consciousness can do for all of us.

Wondering how different things could have turned out doesn’t have much value, and keeps us stuck in the past. Focusing on what we can learn from our experiences, and how we can use them advantageously to create a better life for ourselves and others does. That does not excuse the bad behavior of others. It also doesn’t stop me from wondering how they would feel about me, had I turned into the same type of abuser against their children, which often happens in cases of abuse. Instead of being fragile, I’ve gathered strength and courage to break free from silence and dysfunction. Freedom. Peace. Expression. I’ve said yes to all three. That doesn’t dismiss someone else who is in deeper pain, and doesn’t impose a “should” upon them.

The idea of breaking free, has particular significance to me because my first victimizer would hold my wrists with one hand, forcibly pinning me down while he fondled me. Sarcasm; but, you know, “they just took advantage of me.” My own mother has said this. She can’t comprehend the full impact that CSA has on anyone. I forgive her for not having mama bear instincts. It took a long time for me to “get over,” the lack of compassion. For years, those kinds of words made me fragile. I was fortunate to make consciousness, my kintsugi (Japanese are of repair).

So if anyone tells you to “get over it,” please keep in mind there is a myriad of information coming to light that it’s not that simple. Reading my book will help. I know that is not from my ego. I know because it’s what I came to this planet to do. Consciousness helps us remember what we came her for. I lived it, and I have practical advice to offer. It’s available right here on my website, and you can ask me questions.

Accepting what happened, and forgiving what happened, are not the same as excusing what happened, and certainly does not make the situation acceptable. The person I referred to earlier was upset because I referred to my perpetrator/victimizer as a pedophile. Okay, she’s right, he might not be the classic definition of a pedophile, but he did commit an act of pedophilia. That is a fact.

And I admit, I had a little ego demon wanting to make a stronger point when I said it, but hey, I’m human. Even Osho wanted to disturb people. Right? I’ve endured 40 years of struggling to stay out of hell. I’m winning, and consciousness has made it easier than ever, but that doesn’t dismiss that it’s been a challenge.

Abuse survivors, particularly those who develop PTSD, know that it is much deeper than simply being taken advantage of. The minimizing of what happened to us, the lack of support, lack of understanding the true nature of the conditions the abuse caused, triggers the PTSD that make us feel fragile. Being taken advantage of is when a contractor overcharges you. It’s still abuse, and it’s still wrong, but in NO way compares to the physical and emotional trauma inflicted by sexual abuse.

In my book I say; “Achieving forgiveness for abuse of any kind is not simple. You can’t just wish it away or send it away with love. I would never discount someone’s feelings whose abuse, pain, anger and suffering run much deeper.” I for one certainly will not pretend to know the depth of what Robin Williams was experiencing, that caused him to end his struggle. CSA victims know all too well about suicidal thoughts, and some of us have even attempted it. It took me a long time to admit that.

How many of us have been told to forgive, forget about it, put it behind us. Right? We can forgive, but silence, and forgetting is precisely what has allowed abuse to continue.

Blood is thicker than water; that’s not always true. Accepting and forgiving doesn’t mean there isn’t an element of still being pissed-off or hurt. With conscious awareness we can transmute being pissed-off, and find forgiveness. That doesn’t mean we should give up the fight for what’s right.

Luckily, fortunately and gratefully, conscious awareness is available to all of us. For me, it is the primary key to my healing, keeps me stable, and has erased much of the fragility so that I can speak truth regardless of whether or not others can accept the truth. Handling the truth is up to them. Maybe my perpetrator has atoned to God, and to his wife, but that has not offered atonement or justice for me. In speaking out, I am creating my own form of justice, and hopefully justice for others.

Thank you, Mama Bear for the support and inspiration. I recommend not only liking my Facebook Fan page, but go to Mama Bear’s Voice too.

More songs for today. Click the links to go to them. I’m a rocker at heart but this version of Fragileby Sting brought me to tears of joy, love, and appreciation for such brilliant artistic expression; Fragile – by Sting

Robin Williams – as the genie from Aladdin Friend Like Me

Denial of a Different Form – Soul Pilot – Chocolate Anyone? Chapter 4 – Part B, from my Book; Why Bother?

Denial of a Different Form – Soul Pilot – Chocolate Anyone? Chapter 4 – Part B, from my Book; Why Bother?

 

This post might be a little cheating on blog writing, but it’s not going to cheat you. In my book; Why Bother? Because Self-Help is Never Stupid, I talk about denial, its’ many aspect, the danger of denying our emotions, and the problems that are miscreated when we push our emotions way down below the surface where they lie dormant and fester ready to explode massively, like a volcano.  It’s why so many of us walk around pissed-off, in pain, numb, or overly sensitive. It’s also why I’ve got that big volcano in the background of the book cover. 

Here I am going to share a short excerpt, from my book, that discusses a different aspect of denial.  I am a proponent of exploring both sides of anything, exploring multiple facets, and playing on the spectrum of life until you find a place that feels like home, authentic, rare and real.

So here it is.  Song links at the bottom. Enjoy:

Part B. Denial of a Different Form

There is another form of belief around denial. There is a belief that to be enlightened, we must let go of all our earthly wants, desires and cravings; that we must deny ourselves (deny yourself?). Here again is something that has been taken too literal. While giving up anything for a period of a time has value, such as TV, sugar, chemical-laden food, and, particularly, idle chatter in the brain, there remains that possibility that giving up everything permanently has the opposite extreme and does allow fulfillment of the authentic self. Where is enjoyment in this belief? It’s difficult to have a flame of passion when the pilot isn’t lit. Shouldn’t you – “Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot” – Sting. How can you have joy without the action of participating in something that creates joy?

While this form of denial can lead to the emptiness required so that we can refill the kettle and start cooking with passion, living only an inward journey without participating in an outward journey can leave you feeling just as hollow as an outward journey without an inward journey. Going to temple on Saturday, going to church on Sunday, or going to any other service without really digesting the good or not being able to digest what you are being force fed is going through motions without fulfillment. Our lessons must be both palatable and digestible. If not, you need to find another place to eat, eat at home, or go on a liquid fast for a while, both physically and metaphorically. Keep in mind there is a key in the word “service” as, often, those who are the most fulfilled live in some type of service to others.

If you crave something, then taste it, as long as you aren’t sucking someone else’s blood physically, energetically, or otherwise. If your cravings tend towards causing yourself or other people pain, you need to deny yourself and seek professional help. Having some Hungarian lineage, I’ve encountered that feeling of having the life blood sucked right out of me.

Much of the problem we face starts when we allow marketing to manipulate us into thinking we need something outside of us to bring us satisfaction, and we are obsessed by not denying ourselves anything. This is fairly obvious in the outside world; we’ve got that concept intellectually under control even though we still buy into trappings. Those who are on an inward journey succumb to buying crystals, oil, incense, and more. Me, too! They are beautiful, they smell beautiful, and they are powerful tools, but they are still just the tool. It’s our job to implement the tool.

Often we crave things we “think” we want but are left unsatisfied or bored when we get those things. Then we are left wanting more or something else. We end up accumulating a bunch of crap, and the shit piles get deep. We feel disappointment. This is the time to look inward. We should be using the crap as compost and turn it into fertilizer.

By not cultivating the inside and the outside of self, we can create the false feelings of unworthiness or entitlement to the extreme. We start to deny ourselves based on unworthiness and fear of disappointment, and we tend to take on the expectation of wanting someone or something else to fix or fulfill us. If you need a Band-Aid (the aid of a band, music and sound) then use it.

Sound and vibration help break up stuck patterns and vicious circles, especially the vibration of words from the past that haunt us. We have to be open to listening; recognizing that we have options and choosing the sounds that create harmony for us.

Those who don’t feel they have support but have a strong will (solar plexus chakra), will want to seek support from reliable sources and not expect support from those who are incapable of offering it. Ayah Asher Ayah (explanation to follow in the chapter on intentions).

The concept of “you have to want it for yourself” and “find your own answers” contains the element of personal responsibility, which lowers your expectations. Help is there if you want it, but you have to crave it for yourself. It’s not about letting go of craving but tapping into what your soul craves. How about craving peace? Can you feel that?

Taking an outward journey without taking an inward journey defies the laws of our nature. It is in embracing both the inner and outer that turns our natural world into the supernatural that knows no fear.

Now that was a deeper level. So if you really are just craving a piece of chocolate, go ahead, for God’s sake, have a piece of chocolate. Just let it be. Allow some things to be a pointless pleasure; laugh and play with purpose and without. Seriously, did I say, “Let It Be”? Okay, then, The Beatles, just not fried or chocolate-covered. EW.

Soul Pilot – Sting

Let It Be – The Beatles