Breath and the Death of Abuse – featuring Breaking Benjamin

By now you are getting the idea that music is inspirational to our healing. In the preface of my book, I quote “a great humanitarian – And dear friend for years:” just kidding, that’s a line from All That Jazz. But, I do quote a very highly respect musician; someone who I admire.

“That’s one of the greatest things about music. You can sing a song to 85,000 people, and they’ll sing it back for 85,000 different reasons.”—Dave Grohl

     I’m working a little backwards with this post. Typically, I will write, and a song magically shows up that is perfect for the piece, and I get to giggle. Today, I was inspired by this song.

     Breath is something that I practice with purpose daily. Breath is the beginning and the end of life. Breath creates a divine, direct connection to pure source. Breath is something we hold onto when we are stressed. Breath can come with a sigh of relief. Breath can pick us up. Breath can calm us down.
You get it by now, right? Breath is vitally important. Common sense would tell us that, but how often do seem to fuhgettaboutit, when we shouldn’t?

     In any meditation, spiritual practice, massage, relaxation or energy technique, a good facilitator always reminds you to breathe. This brings me to my inspiration song of the day: Breath – Breaking Benjamin “Breath” – Breaking Benjamin. Lyrics here:

     The regular readers are get that abuse, trauma, particularly childhood sexual abuse is my soap box. A lot of songs are written about relationships, but I really understand what Dave Grohl was trying to say. Wait, he’s not in Breaking Benjamin. Yeah, I don’t think he cares about me not using one of his songs in this post.    

     So this is what this song means to me, and how do I relate it to abuse. Take this lyric: “I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like. Is it over yet, in my head? I know nothing of your kind, and I won’t reveal your evil mind.” This is exactly how I feel about abusers and pedophiles.

Abuse victims know how hard it is to “let go.” It’s not that simple. If it were we would. We pray for it to be over in our head. What many don’t seem to understand is that CSA creates a life-long PTSD to varying degrees, and we are left with being triggered by certain words or events that send us into a downward spiral. We have to learn not to beat ourselves because society judges us for not letting go when there has actually been a chemical change to our brain. No wonder the veterans have such a difficult time.

     We can learn to forgive, but we don’t have to forget. Forgetting only comes when it isn’t important enough to remember anymore. I can’t forget because there are too many who are suffering, and they need help to find their path to end suffering.

     I always remember focused breathing. I’ve practiced A LOT. Letting go is the wrong place for an abuse victim to start, and so is focusing on love or the heart. For me staying present, aware, and at peace starts with acceptance. Here’s a little something for you to remember to stay out of being pissed-off. If you like it, maybe it will entice you to come to the Heart Pillar workshop which will be available very soon.  

acceptance jpg

As for the rest of the lyrics from Breaking Benjamin’s song- “Breath:”
So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what’s left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I’m going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
’cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.
     This is what sexual abuse does, it leaves a hole in our heart, but when we allow ourselves to accept what was unacceptable and heal, we can learn to fill that hole with compassion, and even love.
So many who don’t understand what we are going through, throw salt into our wound. We can choose to walk away from that. We want abuse to sacrifice itself. We want it to get away. We are determined to go all the way into complete healing of ourselves. And…those of us who are no longer silent, are going to be the death of abuse.

The Infamous Fine Line? Do You Walk It, Cross It , or Pretend It Doesn’t Exist?

The Infamous Fine Line? Do You Walk It, Cross It , or Pretend It Doesn’t Exist?

     Some of us walk the line for a while until we figure out where it’s taking us, decide where to cross, or get off it altogether.
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. We’ve all heard that right? When we hear about crossing a line, that’s usually when someone is pissed-off. Have you ever considered that along a line, there is more than one place to cross, and you can move back and forth on either side of the line, or even walk it for as long as you like? Are you pretending the line doesn’t exist, are you in denial, or have you crossed over into a deeper knowing, and awareness that you don’t want to play there anymore?
How was this post inspired by the featured picture on FB? People were commenting how they felt betrayed by friends. I was lucky to find a few friends to help me awaken and support my healing journey. It was family that I perceived as having betrayed me. I was groomed to, “keep my mouth shut and keep the peace,” “bury it.” They have a different perception of “just let go,” then I do. Silence betrays ourselves and betrays others who are facing the same challenge of abuse. To support myself, I had to appreciate that my family’s ignorance was to be my strength, and forgive their inability to accept my choice to speak up. That doesn’t mean that I have to continue to play on their ball field.
Interesting since my dad was a WWII Vet. Where would we be if we had not stopped Hitler? What would things be like if Hitler had been allowed to continue? Where was dad’s line when it came to accepting that I had been sexually abused? Why did the family feel that I crossed to the wrong side of the line by speaking up rather than offering support?  Is lack of support a betrayal? Or is that a perception? When we experience this, is it about you, me, us, or is it about them?
Another’s silence can be perceived by the abused as betrayal, especially when the abuser is still in your life, and never confronted by the people you are seeking support from. You begin to feel even worse because instead of receiving any type of validation you are told in a disapproving manner, “you need to let it go.” Again, where is the line? However, this could be about our expectations, and we would be better off if we let go of expectation. There is much ignorance around abuse, trauma, PTSD, its symptoms, and its effects:

Go where you are celebrated, not where you are tolerated.”—Unknown

Whose side are we on when it comes to abuse, ours or theirs; the victim or the victimizer? Why do so many, especially families, want us to stay silent? Why do they find our battle silly, and not worth it? It is really about your worth, or their self-worth?  Or is it simply about fear in the form of shame, and embarrassment? While you may still be challenged dealing with your own self-worth because of fear and doubt as we all are, where and when do you decide to draw the line, cross it, or step off altogether to support yourself? You may be ready to let go of your fears, but they may not be ready to let go of theirs. Family never encouraged me to speak up, but I encourage you stand up; speak up. Support yourself and the universe, multi-verse will give you what you need. Silence perpetuates abuse. Abuse is a line that continues to be crossed, and the line must be vanquished.–o Fireflight – “Stand Up”

     Be mindful of not playing the victim, regardless of others assuming that’s why you are doing while you are simply trying to understand your own feelings. This is only a caution so that you don’t get stuck in being a victim. The ideal would be to comprehend what happened, but step beyond survival and recovery.

Excerpt from my book – Why Bother? Because Self-Help is Never Stupid

In dark times, can you feel your Dark Knight Rising or allow your inner Superman to bring about truth and justice within you? Have you seen times when you have brought forth truth and justice that it opens the door for others to do the same? Are you willing to stay out of your ego and accept those times when others are not ready, willing, or able to tap into their inner superhero?

We all have choices as to what to fight for and what to let go of? Right? Where do you draw your line? Who or what do you choose to stand-up and fight for? How do you decide what’s worth fighting for and what to let go of? Do you check into your heart, body, mind, and soul to see what kind of quaking is occurring? It’s your choice and no one else’s. Is the Dark Knight rising in you? What would it mean to the world if we helped not only the victim (the abused), but also the victimizer (abuser)? If we let go of judgment and both got help, would awareness be the key to substantially reducing the problem of not only sexual abuse and all types of abuse?

Another excerpt from my book:

Particularly, with abuses, there is so much denial and there are so many kinds of abuse: sex, drug and alcohol, substance, verbal, emotional, physical, domestic, financial. It’s all abuse of power and denial comes into play on the part of both—the abuser and the abused. Then there is neglect. All are affected. It’s nearly unfathomable to think that abuse of some sort hasn’t affected every single one of us on this planet on some level. Someone should write a song about “excuse for abuse.

Thanks to Mama Bear’s Voice for their FB post and Healing from Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD for giving me the idea to write this and create some awareness and strength in numbers.

Here’s a couple more songs for today:

Pleasure and Pain” – Divinyls

There are a few words in this Paul McCartney song that I would like to hear from my family, but accept that I may never get what I want. It’s just not that important. Paul McCartney – “Fine Line”

When we talk about lines, how can we not think of this Johnny Cash classic? When you hear the words, “because your mine,” think of your own healing, which is the most genius thing you can do in this lifetime.

Sacred Chambers – I am nothing before the sight of God – Really?

Sacred Chambers – I am nothing before the sight of God – Really?

I have a tendency to say Yes to things, when I feel intuitively guided, or when the universe nudges me, or outright kicks me in the butt. In my book, I share a story about how the universe put me in a Deeksha Oneness Blessing Giver certification class. I never signed up, but somehow I was registered. I took that as a sign from the universe, checked in with my intuition, and knew that it was important for me to attend.

Initially a little bored, it turned out to have a profound impact for me. The boredom was just my ego’s resistance to letting go, as the experience revealed a deeper knowing, and comprehension of great wisdom appeared over time.

Since the initial training, I had not been active in the Deeksha Community, but that doesn’t matter. Sri Bhagavan of Oneness University teaches the importance of not following as he promotes self-discovery (Oneness University). Interesting how messages come up in “Synchronicity” (The Police The Police – Synchronicity 1) since a similar message about discovering your own path is in the book “Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. I had read it just weeks before hearing about the new Sacred Chamber event.  “Siddhartha is a great read for anyone choosing an experiential journey.

So what was this Sacred Chamber that I decided to say yes to? Well let’s just describe it as a contemplative event that can move us towards “Oneness.” History? Creation? I couldn’t find that on a google search in under a minute, so I let it go, and I accept that it IS profound. Nothing more matters right now.

As I am sitting in contemplation for the first meditation, and in the 1st Chamber, I am being haunted by the words, “I am nothing before the sight of God.”  I am nothing? Really?  That sounds like religious rhetoric and dogma. While having a disturbing familiarity to it, but I didn’t allow it to piss-me-off, the way I often have in the past. Since then I’ve googled it a few times, and still have not found an exact religious text reference, or phrase worded this way.

The host directed me to move to the 2nd chamber for my personal alone time, and almost immediately the message came up again, but this time the words struck me differently.

“I am nothing BEFORE the sight of God.” Of course, I am nothing BEFORE the sight of God, he/she is our creator. How could I possibly be anything before being created in God’s imagination? I was nothing BEFORE the sight of God, now I AM in the sight of God, therefore, simply I AM. Do you think this IS a message regarding pure creation? If God (male or female, I don’t know) is our creator, how can we BE anything before we are in God’s sight to create us? Once again, a somewhat disturbing message such as “being nothing” was transmuted. Thanks Osho for making me more aware of the benefit of disturbances.

We complicate so much in our lives that the newly revealed message almost seems too simplistic, but is it?

osho - love-to-disturb-people-quote-saying

Certain Religions have taught us that we are less than God; that we are unworthy of God. It is a misperception of the words because of the way they are spoken. It’s the energy around the way the words have been presented. Being less than anything, inequality, is a belief contrived by religious control. Change the energy, perception, and idea of the words to the idea of pure creation, “I am nothing before the sight of God,” and you change the meaning from being less than, and we become equal; worthy. A divine direct connection is remembered, re-established; we were never separate. He/she is always with us. When you feel this, suddenly there is an “of course”, an “ah-ha.” I am nothing before the sight of God, but wow, how cool to KNOW that I am worthy because he/she created ME. Once God has you sighted in imagination that IS the moment of divine creation. How does this change the meaning of the words of Christ in John 14:12? All this I do, you shall do and greater,” Look it up. Read it.

This next thought, I borrowed from a friend, Tracy Brooker, Tracy recognized that the reason Christ was divine was because he was never taught that he was “less” than divine, and therefore, didn’t forget his divinity. Wow! Brilliant! This is the Christed Consciousness; the perfect child; the divine child. We were all conceived this way. We’ve all simply forgotten. It is only through indoctrination that we perceive ourselves as anything less than divine, perceive ourselves as nothing. Another thought occurs to me; if a child is conceived unwanted, it’s quite possible that the forgetting can occur in the womb?

Your own personal divinity, think about it. Feel it. Know it. Integrate it…for yourself. If it disturbs you allow yourself to embrace the disturbance to discover why it disturbs you.

Queen – “Bohemian Rhapsody” is taunting me, and yes it fits. You can determine why. Queen- Bohemian Rhapsody

Our ego complicates the idea of “being nothing without God.” Our ego can be a twisted little deceiver, maybe even the devil in disguise, or perhaps it’s there to help us find we were worthy all along. Not only has the ego been a deceiver, but we’ve allowed ourselves to be deceived by the followers of ego who don’t even know they are followers.

So which do you prefer to follow the authentic self, which is the whole self, or the ego self who is only a portion of self? In my book, Why Bother? Because Self-Help is Never Stupid,  I say the ego gets a bad rap. It’s not the ego’s fault that it is only one part; one aspect of the whole; and that’s all we’ve listened to. Stop beating up the ego up because you haven’t been operating from the integrated self. Maybe we should apologize to the ego for being so hard on it when we’ve segregated and/or separated it from the whole, and not allowed it to participate with the whole, including the whole that is part of being God/god knowing that we are all part of whoever/whatever we were created by. Separate is an illusion created by fragmented parts of self, as a tool to shake up our awareness, and so that we can fully comprehend what being whole is. Try apologizing to that part of self and see what happens. Do it with awareness, staying out of arrogance, which is also from the ego. Try humility. Try living by Christ’s example.

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I am now  offering a process given to me during meditation to call home fragmented parts (aspects) of self to the whole in complete oneness. It’s a technique to embrace the full spectrum of you, and expands beyond our limited 2d or 3d thinking process.

Straying a bit from my rocker passion even though I included The Police and Queen, here are two beautiful songs in alignment with the I am nothing theme:
Jonathan Thulin – I Am Nothing Jonathan Thulin – “I Am Nothing”
Jason Nelson – Nothing Without You Jason Nelson –“Nothing Without You”

Independence, Peace, Freedom, Smoldering Passion. Smoldering What?

Independence, Peace, Freedom, Smoldering Passion. Smoldering What?

Sure this post seems to be a few days late, but my thoughts lean towards the unconventional anyway. The intention of this little blip, blurb, bleep, is to elicit a spark of thought towards rekindling the flame of passion and activating the flame to grow.
It’s hard to dispute that we are very lucky to live in a land with independence, and many freedoms, but do we really have freedom? Or are we under a great deal of control?
Where are all the people who had passion like the founding fathers? Sure you could get pissed-off at that comment and say we still have many great leaders, but compare the perception of those leaders to our leaders of today. Compare how many leaders there were to the population as a whole back in 1776 and my comment makes sense.
Then there is always the other side when productivity is sabotaged because there are “too many chiefs and not enough Indians.” Chiefs? Founding Fathers? Hmm..that’s another topic. It also sounds a little prejudicial and judgmental. Isn’t that expression more about ego and control, then leadership?
I get it; the founding fathers did a great job over 200 years ago, hurray!! Who doesn’t love a celebration and no one ever tires of fireworks (well maybe some do)? Admittedly, I have an inner pyrotechnician which has never been fully set free; physically, and metaphorically speaking.
Thinking about fire and fireworks, led me to think about my mom. As usual, the way I connect the dots may be a bit unusual, but stick with me. Now that I have recognized and observed connectedness, showing we ALL are creators, and can translate metaphorically how what we create through every action, affects the mind, body, spirit, and persona, I had a little “ah-ha.”

We ALL have a desire for Independence and Freedom to some degree. Degree always seems like such a perfect word, particularly when talking about a flame of passion or a desire for this independence and freedom.
In acting upon a flame of passion, a key ingredient to the outcome has to do with how we fan the flames and whether or not we are fanning those flames with peace in our heart and the degree to which that peace lies in our hearts. That doesn’t mean you have to be stoic, that doesn’t mean you can’t express some form of emotion. It could be excitement or outrage, but to communicate clearly, consciously and concisely, communication begins with a level of peace.
So where is the “ah-ha” with my mom? This woman, loved to burn things. If there was anything that needed to be disposed of, she obsessed over trying to burn it, toxic or not. Many of us who observed this always wondered why her fires, seemed to, just smolder and could smolder for days. There never seemed to be a flame. If you knew the persona, it would be very clear that this is a metaphor for a flame of passion that was never allowed to burn, only to smolder. I’ll be nice and bite my tongue on the other metaphors because that would just be my ego getting involved. At least, I recognize and acknowledge my ego. How many do we know who can’t/won’t/don’t recognize ego? Hey, I never claimed to be Mother Theresa.
We ALL come here as bright lights. Our challenge in mastery of third dimension lies in whether or not we allow that flame to be extinguished through ego and all that goes with the ego; sadness, stress, worry, suppression, victimization, self-pity, arrogance, on and on. We all make a choice as to what side of the ego we play on. Some of us have been so suppressed we don’t even know that we have options to consider or give ourselves permission to consider options.
It seems to be a good idea to recognize that mastery does not mean there isn’t more to learn. When peace is predominant in our hearts, the element of being humble also resides in the heart. Along our journey towards mastery, with peace and humbleness, we can sense what Independence and Freedom truly mean and we will want that not just for ourselves and those close to us, but we will want it universally for everyone. We also may want to keep in mind, that if we don’t master 3rd dimension, karma may force us to keep coming back rather than making our return to 3rd dimension a choice.
Without peace fully integrated into our hearts, our fight towards independence isn’t over, nor should it be. Possibly, instead of perceiving everything as a fight or a struggle, we could perceive our challenges as passionate negotiation.
After more than 200 years, we still celebrate, but where is the true passion? As time has gone by, with so much complaining and blaming, it seems beneficial to have the same type of passion reignited. What is it that causes us to celebrate one day and be apathetic the next? The founding fathers of the U.S.A. obviously understood the importance of fanning the flames of passion when they banded together to create independence that allowed freedom to ring. What will it take to rekindle that in all of us? What role can you play to create and perpetuate the same type of change that the founding fathers of the United States of America did? How many of us are allowing our passion to smolder? Is that what you want? Is it really good enough? And..Why isn’t Richard Henry Lee more popularly known?

Independence, peace and freedom are themes I talk about in my book and there is so much more that could have and can be said about these three things that I’m sure to be talking about it for a long time.
How about, this week we feature Bruce Springsteen’s – “Streets of Philadelphia”